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he doesn't care at all.
i wish i got to see you today.
but i was scared.
i didn't want to go alone.
i miss you a lot.
everyone does.
you're still here though.
i know it.
they know it.
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i can only really count on one person.
that's all that really matters.
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i don't remember what it feels like to be happy.
i don't think any amount of medication can save me now.
i don't really want to talk anymore.
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Thursday, April 5th, 2007
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it's safe to say i have no one to count on.
i have nothing to live for.
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Thursday, March 15th, 2007
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some lady that came into officemax made me feel good.
i didn't recognize her but i guess i made an impact on her.
i was ringing up her stuff like i would anyone else.
she just looked at me and was like you better be going back to the snack shack this year.
i informed her that i could only work tuesdays and random fridays for a while.
she was very upset at this.
she made sure i was always the one with the lip ring in.
when i confirmed this she said she couldn't get ice cream on tuesdays so i better work more days.
according to her i'm the nicest person there.
it wasn't much.
but at least i know that someone thought i was worth remembering.
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i'm not so sure i can handle this one more time.
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"paul's girlfriend."
few people could truly understand the contempt i have for that title.
i miss having my own identity.
i miss having my own friends.
i felt like a creep.
but i watched this couple in the car behind me through my rearview mirror while at a stoplight.
they were adorable.
i want romance.
i want to feel something other than routine and obligation.
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Thursday, March 1st, 2007
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i've grown up a lot.
yet at the same time, not at all.
i live too much in the past.
but i guess that's because i have nothing to look forward to in the future.
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Tuesday, February 27th, 2007
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it's almost a habit to drive home and listen to your cd.
not only because the songs are so damn catchy, but mostly just to hear the sound of your voice.
i miss being sung to sleep.
i miss knowing that no matter what's going on i always had the two greatest friends in the world to turn to.
i miss long drives and long talks.
i miss have no destination or care.
i miss catching fireflies and shooting stars.
campouts and jam making.
sleepovers and drunken nights.
i miss feeling like i was truly a part of something.
i miss knowing that i always had someone behind me when i was scared.
i realize now that i can't really go on much longer without this sense of security.
while studying the great gatsby in school, my teacher noted the symbolism towards the idea that no matter how hard you try you can never reenact the exact same emotions even if you put yourself in the exact same situation.
and that is indeed true, but with you two that wasn't even necessary because everything we did just kept getting better.
i used to blame my dad for my failure in relationships, but it's actually your fault.
no one could ever make me feel as alive as i did when we were a family.
i hope you both read this, though i'm sure you won't.
and i wish i could express this more intelligently, though i'm sure i can't.
but regardless you better both understand how much i love you.
and you're the last two people i want to think of right before i die so that way i'll die with that big goofy smile that usually covers my entire face when i'm around you.
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Sunday, February 25th, 2007
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i hit a pothole that was probably 3 feet deep.
i got a flat tire.
i had no spare.
i got stuck sitting in a parking lot in the heights for like 3 hours.
i was freezing.
i witnessed at least 3 drug deals almost like right next to me.
i watched a cop drive by me and these drug deals 3 times without stopping once.
i had to drive home on a tire that barely had any air.
i have no choice but to call off work tomorrow because i can't get there.
i pretty much hate my life.
this is seriously just my luck.
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Thursday, February 15th, 2007
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it's pathetic that i would rather sit in my room listening to shitty bands all day than go and hang out with anyone.
i'm beginning to lose hope that there's trustworthy people in the world.
maybe it's me.
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Wednesday, February 7th, 2007
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i seem to be lacking in the "real" friends department.
wanna help me out?
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Thursday, February 1st, 2007
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i look like sloth from the goonies.
my eye is so swollen.
and black and blue.
and it's gross.
i was crying blood earlier.
it was great.
my aunt just offered for me to stay with her right outside of Washington D.C. for as much of the summer as i want.
i think that sounds great.
my mom and her don't get along but they're my godparents so my mom knows they wouldn't let anything happen to me.
i hope she'll let me go for at least a week or two.
the town she lives in is so nice.
and then the city has so many opportunities.
this could be good for me.
really good.
if not i could probably go stay with dominique in philly for a while.
i wouldn't mind that either.
maybe i'll do both.
regardless i'm so glad i'll be able to leave for a while.
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Sunday, January 28th, 2007
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i just stood in the back row and smiled.
and i felt like i was home again.
at that moment, nothing could be wrong.
nothing could ever be wrong.
sometimes it's nice to relive my roots.
sometimes it's nice to know who cares.
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Saturday, January 27th, 2007
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am i asking too much?
am i being overdramatic?
probably.
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Saturday, January 6th, 2007
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i'm scared of forever.
i'm scared that right now will ruin things forever.
i'm scared of people.
i'm scared of myself.
i'm scared of reality.
i'm working on it.
i really am.
but it's hard.
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Thursday, January 4th, 2007
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its funny how something so simple as a shooting star can remind me of so many things.
most of them are you.
i don't see you as much anymore.
that's probably my fault.
but i miss you a lot.
and i know i saw you today.
but it didn't count.
not in my book it didn't.
i called you a few times but you didn't answer.
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Sunday, December 24th, 2006
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christmas is usually about family.
i don't belong in my family.
i don't belong in the family we said we created.
i just want to disappear for a few days.
i think i might.
my phone doesn't work anyway.
so don't bother calling.
i'm happy about that.
i probably wouldn't want to talk to you anyway.
i don't really want to talk to anyone.
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i wish i knew where i was going.
i wish i could remember where i've been.
i hate christmas.
i want to take a step back and start over.
i wish you really cared like you say you do.
i wish i could trust that i mean as much to you as you mean to eachother.
i know that's kind of selfish.
but it's how it used to be.
i guess i'm living in the past.
but right now i have no future.
so the past is the only thing keeping me alive.
we play pretend.
but we're getting older.
we used to live in a fantasy land.
but you lost your imagination.
i would help you find it.
but i don't think you want it back.
what happened to the way it used to be?
what happened to our antics?
what happened to laughing?
serious talks and long walks are nice.
but i need recklessness and excitement once in a while.
maybe we've accepted that we could get into a lot of trouble now.
but we could have then too.
but the point is, we didn't.
i'll still love you no matter what.
but i don't think that you feel the same.
so i guess i'll just fade away.
just like the sense of adventure we once shared.
to quote blink 182, "i guess this is growing up."
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Sunday, December 17th, 2006
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i'm so proud of my friends.
they're so pretty to me.
everything they do is beautiful.
they're perfect.
maybe not to society, but to me.
and i love them.
more than i love when soft kittens cuddle up in my arms.
and i love that a lot.
so as you can imagine my love for them is pretty intense.
i woke up late this morning.
went 90 mph to get to holy rosary church on time.
the kids that go to CCD classes there are mostly hispanic and underprivelaged.
we organized a christmas party for them.
it felt great to see all of our hard work in action.
i feel great.
i want to change the world.
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